The start of 365 blank pages

I´d like to wish a happy new year to everyone. I hope it only holds the best for you. Personally, 2017 was a very mixed up year, running and lows and highs again. I haven´t been able to do everything I´d like to have done or sometimes in another form but that´s okay. Therefore there have been other amazing and surprising moments that taught me to not dwell on what you´ve missed but to be happy about each given chance. I let go of some bonds with people and therefore gained some new that I am really thankful for. Now I´m ready for another crazy year in 2018 – hopefully with a lot of amazing and memorable moments.

I think that sometimes life is testing us by not giving us what we want or desire to show that we still can be happy anyway or find back our happiness in other pretty soon. I guess this is a process in which we grow in a personal way. Life is all about growing, evolving and creating ourselves new. Without the bad, we sooner or later wouldn´t appreciate the good anymore and sometimes those good things come in the most unexpected moment and way to bring you a totally new kind of happiness. So don´t lose patience if something isn´t turning out the way you hoped for (even though you might be sad at this moment). Have faith in life anyway and stay open minded. I am sure it´s all that it takes to attract other good things, opportunities and experiences.

Also 2017 has been a year of challenges. I had to face more than one fear, not only chosen ones but in the end I can confirm the old saying that fears disappear as soon as you run to it is true. Because of that I chose “do what you fear and fear disappears” as a new year resolution. This is also a part of “working on dreams to live dreams” I chose for the past years somehow. In the end its all growing together. 🙂 This is a huge step to me since I think that I can finally can say that I left my anxiety / panic attacks behind after years! Now I am eager to deal with the fears that make me feel uncomfortable to hopefully leave them behind as well.

Have a save, happy and healthy 2018.

Best wishes to everyone who reads this.

the other side


A few days ago I visited my old workplace, which I had to leave 5 years ago. I´d been working there for about two years as a substitute for a parental break. In this time a lot of bad things happened. I´ve lost close family members and still fought depression. The people there had kinda became like a second family and a safe place to me when I needed a few hours time out from my own thoughts and actually even some laughs. When it was time to leave for good I literally felt heartbroken. First I still had E-Mail contact with some of guys but as time passed it became less an less. They moved on and so I did. I found other jobs and worked on leaving the tragedy of the past bit by bit and inch by inch behind.

However, destiny brought me real close to this old workplace nearly two years ago already. I have to mention that I really love my current workplace and finally got an unlimited contract. J I kind of feel home there like I did back with them. Nevertheless, a few weeks ago I felt die urge to visit my old colleagues and so I´ve wrote to the woman I shared the office with. Honestly I was a bit nervous to go there after such a long time. Anyway, I haven´t had any expectations at all, simply because I didn´t know what to expect. When I entered the office it was like a time hop. On the outside absolutely nothing had changed, so that I asked myself for how long I was gone. Was it a 5 years or a day? While talking I found that her kid, which was still in high school back then now is halfway done with her medical study already. I´ve seen a tiny part of the new staff, heard about retired colleagues or those who had changed to another company. I´ve told about my life in the past years and suddenly came to realize how much has changed back then which you actually barely notice in everyday life. The events that come step by step, rather than overnight successes like reaching the intended level of a language class, visiting places that were on your bucket list, making peace with the past step by step or finding a new way to look at things which helped me a lot to find a way to deal with an let go of depressions more and more. I still have my down days but that’s okay. Of course these days are not my favorite but they become less more and more and also make me realize each time how lucky I can call myself to feel better and happier mostly. Those depressive symptoms are a part of me and I accept them as this instead of just hating them. For me this kind of handling works better to analyze bad days and find way to go back to a better state of mind.

However, it´s all these little steps of a long run progress that we often tend to overlook. Sometimes we feel stuck in a situation and even get impatient with ourselves, it´s in the humans nature. Every now and then we should take a moment to look back. What goals or even unplanned good events did you achieve in the past 3 or 5 years? What progress did I make on a personal level? It doesn´t need to be something huge, each step forward is a step forward! I am pretty sure there are quite things some to mention. This change of perspective also helps you a lot to see your own progress. If you think of it as a long street, you can so see the way that you made already instead of just the part that´s still in front of you. A motivating thought, isn´t it?

Happily ever after?

Isn´t it the perfect romantic thought? The man or the woman you´re madly in love with proposes to you in the most unexpected moment. What follows is the wedding and maybe the honeymoon of your dreams. Perhaps your family will grow by a kid after a while. Will it stay this good forever? It´s the wish all couples have in the beginning but why does every third marriage barely last any longer than 10 years then? Is it about too high expectations? Or is it about losing the interest in one another? I think in most cases it´s not any of that. It just is about reality and personal development through the years.

Think back – would you say that you are the same person you´ve been 5 years ago? Most likely not. You´ve gained experiences (bad and good) in your job and personal life, got to know new people, discovered new things you´re interested in (a hobby for example) and changed your view about certain things in life. The same happens to your partner.

You often hear or say/think the phrase “you´ve changed” a lot of times and this is true, because we all change. It´s natural development and growth we all go through. Think about how sad and boring your life would be, if you were still the exactly same person as you´ve been 15 years ago. You wouldn´t have made any progress, wouldn´t have learned from your experiences and probably also your partner would bore you after a while.

So is it true that we are just made to stay together for a period of time? In my opinion yes and no. A marriage as well as a long term relationship can´t happen with only the good intention to live “happily ever after”. It´s continuous work – the work to share your world with each other. What is up in your partners life? What is on his/her mind? How can you support him/her? What is he/she into lately? Does he/she have any new interests you can discover with one another? Would he/she like to go to any new place you could visit together? Personally I think that jointly experiences are as necessary as trust and loyalty because, what can you talk about if you live in totally separated worlds? It´s a thing I observed with most couples that had problems in their relationships. Don´t get me wrong, everyone should have his own life and freedom, that´s totally fine. It doesn´t mean you have to “glue” on one another all the time but metaphorical spoken, without a stable base each house can´t stay tall.

So work is the secret? It doesn´t sound pretty romantic, does it? In the end it is more than you think. How couldn´t it be not romantic to open a bottle of wine with your partner after a long working day and have a good conversation? How can it be not romantic to try a new hobby and laugh together? And how can it not be to grow and develop together, so young people will look at you in 40-50 years admiringly and say “they´re a couple for so long and still so cute together?”

„You´re weird“, „You´re not normal“, „You´re not like other girls”. I´ve heard those things a lot of times. It´s not that I wear a conspicuous hair color / cut or clothes. Neither do I have any tattoos or piercings. On the outside I look as average as the people who told me. What they meant is my way to look at things and situations. My favorite singer has a line in one of her songs that says “I see the same like you but differently.” I feel home in this line because I it describes it perfectly. Most people don´t understand and it´s sadly in a humans nature that they rate things they don´t understand abnormal. Without sounding too philosophical – but what exactly is the meaning of being normal? And were does abnormal begin? I think each person is an own individual and allowed to have own dreams, own visions and ideas of their life.

In my case I got rated not normal for that I don´t feel the need to build a family at 34. That I don´t dream about (exaggerated: cooking dinner for Mr. Right), that I don´t dream about settling at all, to name just a few. I am totally happy for everyone who lives this vision with passion but it´s not my way. I love to travel, home for me can be any place I feel calm and happy in that very moment. It can be the sea, an apartment while I travel or even a person. I love to learn languages, love to explore new things. It seems fine for most people until you´re 25 but older? That´s when you have to settle for family. This old cliché is still in the heads of too many people. (Welcome back to when house work is for women and cars only for men).

I am happy with the way I live my life and shouldn´t it all about that in the end? All of us only live once, so why should one live a stereotype just to please others and feel sad or like something is missing the whole time? Where would be the sense in it? Wouldn´t it be much worse if you live a stereotype life only halfhearted for all the people around you? Think about your partner or maybe even kids. Personally I think it wouldn´t be fair to anyone of them.

Also I think that everything in life has a purpose and so there´s a reason why you are the way you are. You may not see it now but someday – like you learn to appreciate the good through bad things even more.

Honestly, when people told me to be weird, not normal, etc. for the first times, it hurt, even though I didn´t show. In between I smile from the heart for being a Freak of Nature. Other people don´t need to understand my journey, they just need to accept. The same goes for everyone out there who is different in their appearance, not matter if on the outside or inside. See yourself as a butterfly in a world full of caterpillars because that is what you are.  Don´t let anyone ever diminish you light or make you feel bad about yourself. It says a lot of them and their narrow way of thinking, in a world that definitely needs to be more open minded.

Love and respect to you all!

To travel is to live

I love to travel! It is not only about visiting new places – well, also about that of course but it means so much more to me. When I travel, I feel free. I feel a freedom and peace within myself that I often thought to have already lost. Don´t get me wrong. I am mostly okay with my daily life, finally. There was a long time when I wasn´t but since I changed perspective on some things, started to overcome fears and learnt to say no at times, I feel more content more often or sometimes even happier. I´m still working on this feeling to grow but it is a step by step process and traveling helps me to simply clear my mind.

Nevertheless, it is not the same kind of content and happiness compared to travelling. I love the freedom, getting to know new places, new people, new life styles. When I travel, I barely stay at hotels. Instead I choose to live at the houses or flats of people who offer a room, so I can see a real part of how they live instead of just the touristic side. I love to talk to them about anything and everything when they offer to chat, like work days over there, job situations, economics, free time activities, places that are hidden treasures for a must see beside the touristic spots which are of course on the list as well. I love to learn about the culture. In a way their lives are so different but similar at the same time. I think both sides gain a lot of knowledge which also prevents from prejudice and helps to be open minded for the unknown.

Also I love the feeling to leave daily business far behind for a few days. Every now and then everyone needs to recharge batteries but as long as you´re home, there´s housework, groceries, cooking and other errands to do. Being freed of that, if only for a little while, also gives so much of freedom. The days seem unbelievably long because there´s just no pressure in time and you can do whatever you want – whenever you want.

Last but not least I love to see all the various places, the sea, a unique castle, or little rebuild New York in Rotterdam in the Netherlands for example.

Someday I hope that I can also host a guest pupil from somewhere in the world. I can´t go to all the places I´d like to go (as long as I don´t win in lottery ;)), so it would be a nice way to get a part of the world into your home that you might can´t afford to visit yourself. I know that there are some people that don´t understand my desire for traveling but that´s okay. My way is for me, not for them.

If you love to travel I can only advice you to do it. Collected experiences and memories are so much more worth than items. In the end you only regret the chances you don´t take, I can tell out of own experience. Do the trip you´d love to do if it´s what you really want, so you can talk about it when you´re 70. Isn´t that nice thought?

escape life

Lately  I often read that people want 2016 to end because of the shit it brought by losing a lot of famous people. Yes, it is sad but I think it is a waste to wish away a year that also brought good. Let’s face it, each year has its ups and downs. The year hasn’t been all good to me as well but there were also some amazing moments I wouldn’t want to miss. I guess it’s the same for everyone. You may had struggles as well but there also might have been a lovely trip, a reward at work, a new family member you got to know, etc. Don’t let the good things be overshadowed by the bad. Each year will have its good and bad times. Cherish the good, it’s a way better feeling than cursing the bad.

Also I think that those sad happenings make us realise even more how fast our lives or the life our loved ones can be gone. I don´t mean it in a depressing way. Instead I think it´s a reminder we (sadly) need sometimes, when we rush through the days again in daily business. Sometimes we should take a moment and realise i.e. the beauty of nature around us or skip to clean the car and meet up with a friend or family for a coffee instead. Those moments are worth it so much I for myself with try to remind me more often. Maybe it would be a good new year resolution? 🙂

I hope you all have a good start into 2017. Remember, that it is not a fail if you can´t keep anything you´ve planned for the year. Don´t pressure yourself with that. As long as you made happen a part of it and try to keep going, you´ve already achieved a lot more than people who aren´t trying at all.


“I am the sum of my fears” – A sentence that described myself pretty much since… the day I don´t wanted my fears to rule my life anymore, since the day that the pressure my fears put on me became bigger than the problem itself. A few years back I was suffering from panic attacks about each new or unpleasant situation. I came down with the whole package, a heavy pounding heart, a way to high pulse, sickness, sweating, shivering and the feeling to faint right away. Somehow I always managed to get through without fainting and so my self-esteem grew little by little that I can do it, that I can control it if my will is strong enough. I was sick of avoiding situations or knowing that it would cause another attack. I just wanted to do the things everyone did and rate them normal or with good things, like traveling for example, even enjoy it!

That´s when a new chapter began. Once again my endless thanks goes out to a special person in so many ways. I started traveling because of this person and after the first panic attacks before entering or in trains – guess what? I loved it! First, it still was harder for me than for others but the first step was done. With each time I did, the fear backed off because of the positive experiences. In the end it motivated me to start the same procedure with other things. In the beginning it wasn´t any easier but also here the positive experiences triggered a positive effect and the desire for a more normal life. Don´t get me wrong, there´s still some things that scare me, things that are ”normal” or maybe just a bit unpleasant to others but they don´t give me full panic attacks anymore. In between I even get myself into those situations absolutely conscious about 3-4 times a year because I found out that once you do what you fear, fear usually disappears. I don´t expect to be free of any fears in the future but of most of them. The list is getting shorter and shorter. 🙂 This years I successfully did two self set challenges already, currently doing my third and two more to come!

Know that everyone of you who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks can do it. Remember that your brain evaluate things more dangerous than they really are! The worst case is only happening in your head 99,9 % of the time. So how big chances are that it´s are going to happen for real? Overthinking is the worst thing you can do. I´ve once read a sentence which nails it pretty perfect: “Overthinking is the art of creating problems that weren´t even there.” In the end things mostly turn out different than you thought about it anyway. Also remember that even unpleasant times pass. In the end they can make you stronger if you let them. The fight may ain´t easy but it´s worth it! As long as your desire for a normal life is unbroken you have the power (to learn) to control it. Your will can and certainly will take you there if you challenge yourself to leave your comfort zone step by step. Each positive experience will propel you into the right direction.

Never give in to your fears because everything you desire is on the other side!