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„The journey of a life time is beginning with one step, but when we´re climbing up that mountain, it´s so easy to forget, it´s one step at all” – Anastacia

Hey everyone,

the line above is stuck in my head a lot lately, because I fell back into old habits of being impatient with the circumstances of my life again. Some while ago I told myself not to get back to this unhealthy way of thinking and I did it for quite a while to free myself from it, but… oh well.

I guess you all know what I´m talking about. You set yourself a goal but either if you keep it relaxed or try with everything you can give, there´s no way to reach it. It´s frustrating and yet you start to pressure yourself even more to try harder. Maybe it wasn´t hard enough until now?  The problem about it is, that sometimes you can´t force things. It just needs it´s time. It´s not just in case of love that way, I truly think it ´s in general. But when you´re stuck in the zone, impatient, upset and worried if you will ever reach your goal, you sometimes tend to forget about it. It´s what just happened to me. In the end, it didn´t change anything, beside that I felt even worse about the whole situation.

Suddenly, at some point this line came to my mind and I smiled and shook my head at the same time.  I promised you to take you with me on my journey through the year, that´s why I decided to share those thoughts with you, because I think it´s part of it, too. I may haven´t reached everything that was planned until now but therefore a few other unexpected things happened. Things, that were on the list as well but I let go of for a bit. Do you remember what I posted in my last blog about this project with the wrong timing? Well, some other, totally unexpected thing about it happened. (Sorry, I can´t share it yet), I´m not sure how it will develop but I´m happy that something about it happened at least – when I expected it the least.

So maybe we sometimes need to let go every now and then and just wait it out, because in the end I believe that everything that you need comes to you in the right moment – without stressing and worrying about it.

The journey has begun

Hey everyone,

I know it´s ages since my last blog. Anyway I want to give you a little Résumé about 2014 and take you with me onto the journey of 2015.

2014 had been the year of surprises, good as bad ones but the good ones definitely win! Dreams came true and also I started some new projects I never thought I would be good enough it. Guess what? I like the results! The past year started pretty shitty to be honest, with a lot of health problems for me and also my Mom. After I got diagnosed intolerant to fructose in 2013, problems got worse again so I had to repeat several tests until it showed up that there now is also a problem with histamine. Jeez, doing groceries wasn´t fun the first weeks, I tell you but in the end I finally felt better and in between little sins are even possible! It´s not that bad you might think at the first moment (I confess, I was in tears). If you need any help about the topic, just feel free to write me. J

Nevertheless, as I said the year also brought some good times and surprises. I fulfilled my dream to explore Rotterdam, against all health odds and totally loved it there! If you haven´t visited the city yet, just go, it´s so worth it – and not that expensive like many other big cities.

Then of course the most unexpected dream happened. I had the chance to spend pretty much and personal time with my idol. I don´t exaggerate when I say that I don´t know where I would be without her now and I don´t even want to know! She always gave and gives me the strength by being a fighter and life lover herself to get through anything (and yes, she knows in between). Well, anyway, there had been several personal moments with a few other fans, since she was stationed in Germany for some time. I finally was able to give her a birthday cake after wishing for that for about 6 years. Her intuitive happy scream reaction when she saw it, made me know why I carried the wish for so long. :D These times made me the happiest, more than I could ever say.

Also I started a few projects like drawing. What started as a gift for my little great-cousin also brought me some really lovely reactions of other people. I never thought so! Another project that I put my heart into failed a bit due to wrong timing but okay, let´s wait for a better chance! If plan A fails… you know the saying I guess.

Well, those were the most impressive moments of 2014. 2015 will be the year of working and living dreams. That was my new year resolution. There will be some (planned) challenges as well. Will keep you updated! But also good and fun times. :D Also I will fulfill another dream to finally go to London. For most people in my area it´s “just London” but for me it´s a huge step to leave my comfort zone with places close to Germany (according to my health issues). But I´m not afraid of it no more, instead I´m just looking forward to have a good time there. Meeting a friend, see new places and meet new people.

If you want to join me at this journey of 2015, you´re welcome. I try to update more regularly again!

Hey everyone,

sorry for no new post in such a long time. I just didn´t have something interesting to say. However, today I found myself in a situation I was really mad and sad about at the same time. New neighbors moved in a few days ago. They´re from the Philippines and really nice people. I had a little chat with them yesterday and wasn´t able to say something negative. Nevertheless some other neighbors are “worried” about outlandish people here. I am living a suburb like you know it from books or TV shows. Kinda boring but well, it´s another thing. Anyway, I asked what´s wrong about it and their thinking was so damn cliché. The problem for them is what is they hear in the media about outlandish drug dealers, robbers, etc. I was literally shocked. I mean, they haven´t even talked to them!!!

I have to admit that television is a big part of the misery. Look for example movies where the drug bosses are always south American people, where prostitution is always with Asians or the middle east and money washing that always plays in Africa. But it´s not only about ethnic background. Look how Psychiatry’s or mentally ill people are depicted. They´re either dangerous, totally insane or have in the best case a special talent beside their insanity. I worked in a psychiatry for two years and I can assure you that 95 % of what you see in a movie is a lot of crap. That´s just by the way.

Okay, back to what I wanted to say. It´s so sad how a lot of human beings judge people by clichés like ethnic, weight, sexual orientation, religion, clothing style, job status or whatever. I ask myself, where have we gone wrong? I don´t deny that there are people who feed these clichés but every person – every being – is an individual. Before you judge someone, get to know them! A first surface impression can be so wrong.

Maybe the all tattooed person is hiding her scars of self harm under the color, because he / she doesn´t want to be reminded of her past anymore.

Maybe the all quiet person that barely says hello on the street is fighting a struggle you don´t have a clue about. Maybe she was bullied in her past and it´s still hard for her to trust anyone.

Maybe the person you see collecting bottles isn´t too lazy to work. Maybe he / she became ill and lost everything he / she had.

So please, before you judge, take a closer look. Don´t get influenced by media or what might be “wrong” for some people, like same sex marriage. Love is tender – not about gender! As long as people are happy, isn´t that all that counts?

This morning I had an interesting experience myself. When I sat in the bus a woman with her dog came in. He looked right up to me and I smiled at him, so he came right to me. He wasn´t asking about how I look, how old I am, where I come from or whatever. I was friendly to him and he was friendly in return. I think it´s something essential we humans can learn from animals, to see an individual as an individual and nothing else.

Hey everyone,

I don´t know how far the news went around the world that last week a drag queen one the Eurovision Song Contest. It´s open song contest for whole Europe. To be honest I think that the past years it´s less about the music and more an open ranking of which countries like each other the most by giving the highest points. It´s an open secret so to say. This year it went –in my personal opinion – even a step further. Some of you probably heard on the news that it´s illegal to be homosexual in Russia. It´s not that they “just” become discriminated, no, they even can be sent to jail if they show their love open in public. Personally I think that this is kind of sick. I am heterosexual myself but whoever has the right to tell someone who they are allowed to love or not?

The Russian government explains their decision that it would be against the normal nature and some kind of illness to love the same sex or feel born in the wrong gender. If you followed some biology classes it can be explained why some people feel born in the wrong body, just by the way.

“It´s not about loving a man or a woman, it´s about loving a person.”

I am not sure where I once read this quote but it´s absolutely true. In the end we just don´t fall for someone attractive, there´s way more about it. If we truly love a person, we love them for all that they are, with all their flaws, mistakes, for their big heart, humor, attitude, just everything. That they´re are attractive to us is just some bonus, so does it really matter in the end if you like your own or the opposite sex? I think in the end it´s just the heart that matters.

So I think the current winner of the ESC is more a political statement against the Russian government, to show that Europe stands united against homophobia. I truly hope for all the ones that still have to hide their love, that this little step will sooner or later change their surrounding for the better and that it´s maybe for the whole world a step against homophobia and for love.

Hey everyone,

I think that it´s time to clean my head from some thoughts again. Lately, when I scroll through the world wide web I have the feeling that people become more and more negative. I don´t know if I am wrong or if people just use their social networks more to live their negative side. However, it kind of worries me to see the development. It´s pretty scary when 85 % of the posts I read of certain people and about 50% in general of the posts are no good thoughts, no matter if it´s about past, present of future or in a combination.

Honestly I have to say that I struggle with negative thoughts myself every now and then, lately due to some circumstances more than I should like to admit but reading all the posts and of others makes me realize that I don´t want to be a part of this sadness for good. It makes me realize to want to go back to my more positive self again. It may be won´t happen over night and the road will bring some vehicles for sure but I will try to take it as an experience, as a journey maybe.

The problem about the negativity in my eyes is, that it´s like a good laugh, contagious. I notice a lot of times that friends/lovers or family members are often dragged down by the problems of their loved ones. Instead of lifting them up, they seem to be dragged to the bad mood / worries, etc. pretty soon themselves and can´t stand it no more, which affects the original person again as well. It´s a circle that´s hard to break and I experienced myself. Sometimes an open conversation may can change something about the situation already. Like, what it would need for change and perform those changes. In harder cases there´s perhaps needed some professional help, which is no shame at all! Admitting to need help is strength, no weakness!

In the end we´re all what we think we are. Our way of thinking influences our lives. Scientific studies prove that persons with a positive attitude take life easier, not because there are less bad things happening to them but because they rate it differently. (As a lesson or as a personal development for example). They´re just happier in general and let´s be honest, being with a positive person makes us smile automatically ourselves, isn´t it? We´re in charge of our own thoughts and how we rate things. It´s not about that we need to stand strong all the time, that´s impossible. Sometimes also the most positive person need some help but it all comes down to find your own happiness back when it was lost through the dark times.

If you don´t know how to start, begin with the little things and count what you´re thankful for. Maybe it´s your friends, maybe it´s a vacation you´re looking forward, maybe a concert you go to. Or let´s take the elementary things like health, a lazy sunday you can spend like you want to, something you recently bought, the upcoming spring… It´s the little things summarized can become the big once – if you give them a chance! :)

Hey everyone,

I think it´s time for a little update. Last time I told that I may let you know about my journey. Well, it seems like things of at least one of my Nemesises are moving forward. I went to the pre-appointment in between and got a date in a few weeks. Call be crazy but I´m absolutely proud of myself to have done those first steps. I sure will have some kind of panic attack the day I have to go there but I am more than focused to face it and do a move in the right direction! (If anyone of you have similar experiences, feel free to let me know btw :)) Will keep you updated on that!

Today I also want to write about another someday someday maybe (I stole the title from Lauren Grahams same titled book btw, which is awesome! If you don´t know it yet, go and get it. :) Well, let´s talk about the things you want to do someday. Someday, when you have more time, someday when you have less liabilities, when the moment is just better than now… but what, if this moment will never be? I think we all have dreams of what we want to do in life. Traveling the world, creating an own home or maybe something simple like learning an instrument or starting with dancing classes for example. Some things are of course easier to do than others but don´t you know that slight feeling, this little doubting voice inside yourself asking what if someday will never going to happen?

I have to admit that I live with this thought maybe a bit more than others and yes, it does scare me. The thought that I might could leave this world without any of my wishes and goals to have come true gives me a sad and anxious feeling. The reason why I am writing this today is that a friend of mine, who´s only 24 lost an old schoolmate at the same age, what I think is really awful! Like singer Melanie Thornton said (ironically a few days before her plane crashed and she died at the age of only 34 as well as singer Anastacia after her first won battle against breast cancer) is, that no one of us is promised tomorrow and we should make each count and meaningful. Due to personal reasons I think about those words every time I think about my dreams and sometimes also in between. Even if it sounds depressive at first sight, it helps me to work on my dreams. About two years ago I started a Netherlands class for example I wanted to do for so long already and I still love it! Also I fulfilled myself a few tiny other wishes and I don´t regret anything! The only thing I regret is the things I haven´t done and that can´t be done anymore. There´s still the list with the bigger wishes that can´t be done that easily but I am working on that!

2014 is the year of “the firsts”

This year I had an intensive thought what my new year resolution would be, because I hate that common stuff that no one keeps anyway. *lol* So I decided that it would be the year of the firsts, which simply means that I try to do things I never done like this before, which also includes to fear this Nemesis stuff from my previous post. But it´s not just negative, also things that I never tried before, like going to places I never went and meeting people I never seen in person before. It´s an exciting journey that makes me nervous at one point and happy at the other. Please push your thumbs that everything works out about it. I´d really would love to make those experiences!

Don´t forget to ask yourself what your dreams are and were you able to live them yet?

Hey everyone,

after month of absence I´ve decided to make this blog a bit more personal. Speaking about some stuff I experience lately. It´s not all good but I try to see it as a journey and also I hope to clear my mind by writing down some things of it here.

This post is called facing Nemesis – Part 1, because don´t  we all have a thing we utterly fear? And don´t we all reach a point one day where we say, “it´s enough now”? A point where you can´t run away any longer, so we have to face our fears? I think it´s a thing a lot of us have in common and maybe it helps both sides, you and me a bit to share the process.

I have to admit that my personal Nemeses are diagnostics and treatments at Docs, even though I am surrounded by it since my childhood. Maybe it is also the reason why I decided to go into this direction as a medical secretary myself. To learn about it, help others by at least being friendly to patients (it can often help to calm a bit down at least) and hopefully ease my own fear as I understand things better. Well, the last part was wasted but well, it was worth a try at least, wasn´t it?

Until now I never had a real bad diagnostic or surgery, expect some dental stuff (urgh). Nevertheless I am fu***ng afraid of it. I already get panic attacks when I think about certain diagnostics or a surgery room and I am not exaggerating in this case! That´s also the reason why I pushed some stuff that needs to be done away to the magical –some time-. Lately I had a lot of time to think in the train riding to work and home and also the nightmares about some stuff became stronger. I take it as a sign that it´s time to face those fears now, well, because everything happens for a reason, right? That´s at least what I believe in.  Sometimes you don´t know why things are happening or why it hit you with the stuff you fear the most. Like I said, I had a lot of time to think and I came to the conclusion that it´s a test of life if you´re strong enough to develop yourself to a next level. It may sound weird but think of the things you may be feared when you were a child. Someday you faced this stuff and found out that it wasn´t that worse. You survived and came out stronger and more confident of the situation. I think it´s the same as an adult. Once we face our fears we can develop to a stronger version of ourselves in the end and being proud to have made it, what is a pretty good feeling, isn´t it? It maybe will not be nice but in the end we get through once we push ourselves to look into the eye of the storm. Maybe we´re also giving others hope to fear their Nemesis, who knows? The only problem about it is that the bigger fear is not the thing we think we actually fear the most but the result of how it could change our lives if we do.

In the end, it maybe is not even for ourselves that we take the step we need to take. Sometimes we do it for others (maybe without that they even know). Maybe it is for your friends or family or someone you think -damn, that person went through so much and you´re whining around because of… (what was actually my personal kick.) It doesn´t mean I won´t do my stuff more fearless. I am still having panic attacks and nightmares about it but it´s the thing that made me do a first step along with a promise to the person what is so to say my point of no return.

I may be will keep you posted on this journey but it´s not a promise. For now I am proud of the first step, full of fear but focused, hoping it all works out and life becomes a bit more normal (without nightmares and all that stuff) again.

“My whole life brought me to this moment”- is a line of a song that makes me do it. I am not sure why it brought me there but I think it´s for the development thing and it´s time to find out!

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