Hey everyone,

I already excuse myself for the longer post and also that it will be a pretty serious one but the topic just IS serious. Lately I saw something about cyber bullying on TV and what I saw truly shocked me to the deepest. I want to share something personal with you that barely anyone knows about me in real life. Back in school time I had been bullied for about 6 years myself. They attacked me physically, they called me names like Zombie, threw things at me… the whole list of what you can imagine but it wasn´t even the worst. Even if I was scared of the physical attacks, what hurt me more over the years was the psychological effect they had on me. By excluding me from group activities they made me feel unwanted, by calling me those rude names and ugly they destroyed my self-esteem step by step a bit more. For those of who haven´t been bullied you might ask, why did you believe it? Well, in the beginning you may don´t but if you get influenced that way over years, you slowly start to believe. Someday you believe that you aren´t pretty or good enough, that no one wants to be your friend and you´re unwanted in general. Thankfully I reached a point after 4 ½ years where I started to turn the “game” a bit around. I blocked physical attacks (never hitting someone seriously back) and acted like I´d laugh about the things they called me. For some reason it started to work. It never really ended but it became a bit better and so survived the rest of my school time. What didn´t end for years, even after school was the destroyed self-esteem. Meeting new people stressed me out. What would think of me? Would they like or hate me? In the end I barely talked to anyone until I started to feel comfortable when I knew persons better. When a boy hit me up for a conversation, I literally looked at him “like a car”, if he was serious about talking to me. Or was he making fun of me as well? It was a natural skeptic thought I wasn´t able to control. The negative feelings about myself I got implemented over years hadn´t gone by leaving school (with degree).

Why do I tell all that here and now? Because I think in the time of cyber-bullying things even got worse. When I got home from school the bully time for me was done that day. Nowadays it sadly doesn´t stop at your door. In the time of constant internet connection, chats, Twitter, Facebook and many more platforms people can go on to attack the victim. They exclude people from Whatsapp groups, post nasty comments or pictures on their profile wall or send rude direct messages. Teenagers already killed themselves because they got messages like “You´re totally worthless…the world is be better off without you… go and kill yourself, no one will miss you…” These words aren´t fictional, they are real statements that have been shown in the media after another bully victim committed suicide. I truly don´t have a clue how someone is able say afterwards that it was “a joke” and “not serious”. How can a person ever think that statements like this wouldn´t hurt? Have they ever imagined to switch roles and how they would feel? If I already felt the way I described by “just” being attacked in school, I don´t want to know how desperate a person may can become by this over a longer period of time. Whoever experienced or experiences this and keeps going has my full respect!

What I want to say is, if you are a victim of bully, don´t hide yourself! What those people tell you isn´t true, they are the paltry ones! Don´t be afraid to ask for help. You can turn the “game” like they call it, around. Be offensive, go to your guidance counselor or to your parents/siblings if it´s that bad that you think about changing school. Or maybe you can build friendships outside your own class in courses or breaks. If you´re also bullied online, talk to your parents, block those people! Report the accounts! You can do something about it and most important: Don´t believe them! Don´t let narrow minded people destroy your inner peace and self-esteem.

A little note at the end. In between my school time is over for 16 unbelievable years already. I have friends – real friends, I can count and relate on. I have a job with no bullies! ;) Sometimes I still feel a bit insecure about myself, I don´t want to hide it away but it becomes better more and more. Also I´m still pretty quiet in the beginning when I meet new people but it doesn´t stress me out anymore. Persons who know me better always say: “First I thought that you would be a pretty quiet / shy person but you´re so not!” (Never judge a book by its cover) ;). In the end I can even find something positive in being a bully victim: I´ve learned to trust my gut feelings about people if they´re true or not. If you´re in the caught in the situation by now you may think “however can I find something positive about it?” Trust into your “inner voice” and you learn to get to know yourself better than most others. I can´t describe it any better. It´s a tough road to free yourself from all this but in the end it is worth it!

Even if I don´t consider myself as a Fan of Christina Aguilera, she has the perfect words for the things I can´t find own words for, so here to all those bullies out there:

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
‘Cause you made that me that much stronger

Well I know what you were thinking
You thought you’d watch me fade away
When you broke me into pieces
But I gave each piece a name
One of me is wiser
One of me is stronger
One of me is a fighter
And there’s a thousand faces of me
And we’re gonna rise up
And we’re gonna rise up
For every time you broke me
Well you’re gonna face an army
Army of me
(Army of me)

Hey everyone,

I have something on my mind that I just need to write down and share here. A while ago I saw a documentary about the stars which didn´t let me go since that day. They explained how stars are born, live and die and so how our Galaxy works and that one day it will die as well. I think it´s a sad thought that what developed in millions of years will end one day but it´s the natural circle of birth and death in a hardly for us to imagine large dimension. What brought us life – the sun – will destroy the earth and moon in approximately 7 Billion years because also the sun is “just” a star and can´t live forever.

But enough about the sad part. They also told about wonderful things. Did you know that everything we find here on earth can also be found in the Universe? You find oxygen, hydrogen, dust but also gold, silver, copper and so much more out there, which is also the prove that our earth is born by the Universe. Stars are a mix of the first 3 (put in a simple term). Their lives last about millions of years. When their light hits the earth, it already travelled years of light speed until it reached us. Even when the star died years ago already, it´s light can still guide us through the night. I think this thought is truly beautiful and also it can help us to remind ourselves in our daily rush that the way we look on time is a relative thing. Maybe you will take a moment and look up to the sky or just remember about the thought of the stars next time when you feel stressed because your schedule is way too busy. I´m sure it will help you to take a deep breath and relax.

Also we should remember more often that we all carry the “seeds of stars” in us. We´re born by the Universe as they are. The earth and each living form here is made of the same dust, the same oxygen, etc. as the stars are. I think in the end we´re all meant to shine. Some of us a little brighter but don´t worry if you might not feel like one of them. Also the tiniest stars brighten the night and for sure the life of a specific someone. With that thought I ask myself even more why humans fight against each other, why they destroy this planet and why it´s hard to just accept each other and each other’s opinion. We´re all made of the same star seeds. Maybe we should remember more often.

Last but not least I want to tell all of you – don´t ever dim your light, you are made to shine in your own way because that is what we´re meant to be by the Universe. Never forget about that!

What is love?

„I am not even sure if I know what love really is.“ It´s a sentence I´ve heard a lot in quiet a few variations lately. Sometimes I´ve heard it after a break up or if people are looking for his/her significant other but the person isn´t in sight. Sometimes it´s even meant in general so that they ask themselves if they love people in a right way or even if they´re able to love at all. Honestly, I think it´s pretty sad because I think deep inside we all know what love it. Maybe you didn´t figure out your true love with your significant other yet but there are so many more ways of love you should not forget about. Let me give you some examples.

If your bestie isn´t doing good and needs someone to talk at a late hour. You´re tired and had a long day, nevertheless you won´t let her down – that´s a kind of love!

If your puppy or kitty sleeps on your lap and your legs start to become numb already but you refuse to move to let it sleep – that is a kind of love!

If it´s time to let go of someone because it´s the for best for them, like your pet maybe when it´s old and time to go onto the other side or because someone isn´t just happy in a relationship no more but you want them to be happy, even without you – that´s a kind of love!

If you´re proud of your sister or brother for something they did, even though you may have argued in the past a lot – that´s a kind of love!

I hope you understand what I want you to recognize with these little examples. Just because you´re unsure about one kind of love, don´t say that don´t know / aren´t sure what love is at all. You DO know! Don´t make yourself feel tinier than you are. Every kind of love will come to you when the time is right and you´re really ready for it but not a single day before.

Hey guys,

I just recognized that half of the year has passed already. I can´t believe how fast time went by! Do you remember my new year resolution to work on dreams and live them? I had some things on the schedule and really made half of it happen already. Not too bad for half the year, isn´t it? With some things I didn´t get that far I hoped I would. I had and have to postpone it to a later point of the year or the beginning of next year for some reasons. Therefore I made other things happen and even better, totally unexpected things happened – things I was wishing for but never thought that they would happen that way. Other things robbed  a lot of my nerves but I´m proud I pulled through and the working on dreams partly turned into living dreams. The year is a constant variety of those two things. There will be times that will rob me some more nerves  but in the end I know it will be worth it. Also there will be times where I just live dreams like I already did earlier this year. I am looking forward to that so much!

This way of living left a huge part of negative thinking behind. I became a lot more positive, enjoy things much more an won´t get bothered by obstacles that fast anymore. It doesn´t work every time but a bit more step by step.

“I am not there yet but a step closer each day”

This quote fits perfectly and it motivates me to go on the way because it just feels right. J

Best wishes!

Just a short note that´s on my mind, while I listen to music:

Acoustic versions are my farourite. For me it shows not just the real talent of the artist, it also reflects the soul of the song. It´s the purest form of performing and you can clearly see the meaning to the artist and what he / she wants to express with it. I´d wish there would be an acoustic set at every concert.

What do you think about it?

„The journey of a life time is beginning with one step, but when we´re climbing up that mountain, it´s so easy to forget, it´s one step at all” – Anastacia

Hey everyone,

the line above is stuck in my head a lot lately, because I fell back into old habits of being impatient with the circumstances of my life again. Some while ago I told myself not to get back to this unhealthy way of thinking and I did it for quite a while to free myself from it, but… oh well.

I guess you all know what I´m talking about. You set yourself a goal but either if you keep it relaxed or try with everything you can give, there´s no way to reach it. It´s frustrating and yet you start to pressure yourself even more to try harder. Maybe it wasn´t hard enough until now?  The problem about it is, that sometimes you can´t force things. It just needs it´s time. It´s not just in case of love that way, I truly think it ´s in general. But when you´re stuck in the zone, impatient, upset and worried if you will ever reach your goal, you sometimes tend to forget about it. It´s what just happened to me. In the end, it didn´t change anything, beside that I felt even worse about the whole situation.

Suddenly, at some point this line came to my mind and I smiled and shook my head at the same time.  I promised you to take you with me on my journey through the year, that´s why I decided to share those thoughts with you, because I think it´s part of it, too. I may haven´t reached everything that was planned until now but therefore a few other unexpected things happened. Things, that were on the list as well but I let go of for a bit. Do you remember what I posted in my last blog about this project with the wrong timing? Well, some other, totally unexpected thing about it happened. (Sorry, I can´t share it yet), I´m not sure how it will develop but I´m happy that something about it happened at least – when I expected it the least.

So maybe we sometimes need to let go every now and then and just wait it out, because in the end I believe that everything that you need comes to you in the right moment – without stressing and worrying about it.

The journey has begun

Hey everyone,

I know it´s ages since my last blog. Anyway I want to give you a little Résumé about 2014 and take you with me onto the journey of 2015.

2014 had been the year of surprises, good as bad ones but the good ones definitely win! Dreams came true and also I started some new projects I never thought I would be good enough it. Guess what? I like the results! The past year started pretty shitty to be honest, with a lot of health problems for me and also my Mom. After I got diagnosed intolerant to fructose in 2013, problems got worse again so I had to repeat several tests until it showed up that there now is also a problem with histamine. Jeez, doing groceries wasn´t fun the first weeks, I tell you but in the end I finally felt better and in between little sins are even possible! It´s not that bad you might think at the first moment (I confess, I was in tears). If you need any help about the topic, just feel free to write me. J

Nevertheless, as I said the year also brought some good times and surprises. I fulfilled my dream to explore Rotterdam, against all health odds and totally loved it there! If you haven´t visited the city yet, just go, it´s so worth it – and not that expensive like many other big cities.

Then of course the most unexpected dream happened. I had the chance to spend pretty much and personal time with my idol. I don´t exaggerate when I say that I don´t know where I would be without her now and I don´t even want to know! She always gave and gives me the strength by being a fighter and life lover herself to get through anything (and yes, she knows in between). Well, anyway, there had been several personal moments with a few other fans, since she was stationed in Germany for some time. I finally was able to give her a birthday cake after wishing for that for about 6 years. Her intuitive happy scream reaction when she saw it, made me know why I carried the wish for so long. :D These times made me the happiest, more than I could ever say.

Also I started a few projects like drawing. What started as a gift for my little great-cousin also brought me some really lovely reactions of other people. I never thought so! Another project that I put my heart into failed a bit due to wrong timing but okay, let´s wait for a better chance! If plan A fails… you know the saying I guess.

Well, those were the most impressive moments of 2014. 2015 will be the year of working and living dreams. That was my new year resolution. There will be some (planned) challenges as well. Will keep you updated! But also good and fun times. :D Also I will fulfill another dream to finally go to London. For most people in my area it´s “just London” but for me it´s a huge step to leave my comfort zone with places close to Germany (according to my health issues). But I´m not afraid of it no more, instead I´m just looking forward to have a good time there. Meeting a friend, see new places and meet new people.

If you want to join me at this journey of 2015, you´re welcome. I try to update more regularly again!


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