Archive for the ‘Anthropology’ Category

Happily ever after?

Isn´t it the perfect romantic thought? The man or the woman you´re madly in love with proposes to you in the most unexpected moment. What follows is the wedding and maybe the honeymoon of your dreams. Perhaps your family will grow by a kid after a while. Will it stay this good forever? It´s the wish all couples have in the beginning but why does every third marriage barely last any longer than 10 years then? Is it about too high expectations? Or is it about losing the interest in one another? I think in most cases it´s not any of that. It just is about reality and personal development through the years.

Think back – would you say that you are the same person you´ve been 5 years ago? Most likely not. You´ve gained experiences (bad and good) in your job and personal life, got to know new people, discovered new things you´re interested in (a hobby for example) and changed your view about certain things in life. The same happens to your partner.

You often hear or say/think the phrase “you´ve changed” a lot of times and this is true, because we all change. It´s natural development and growth we all go through. Think about how sad and boring your life would be, if you were still the exactly same person as you´ve been 15 years ago. You wouldn´t have made any progress, wouldn´t have learned from your experiences and probably also your partner would bore you after a while.

So is it true that we are just made to stay together for a period of time? In my opinion yes and no. A marriage as well as a long term relationship can´t happen with only the good intention to live “happily ever after”. It´s continuous work – the work to share your world with each other. What is up in your partners life? What is on his/her mind? How can you support him/her? What is he/she into lately? Does he/she have any new interests you can discover with one another? Would he/she like to go to any new place you could visit together? Personally I think that jointly experiences are as necessary as trust and loyalty because, what can you talk about if you live in totally separated worlds? It´s a thing I observed with most couples that had problems in their relationships. Don´t get me wrong, everyone should have his own life and freedom, that´s totally fine. It doesn´t mean you have to “glue” on one another all the time but metaphorical spoken, without a stable base each house can´t stay tall.

So work is the secret? It doesn´t sound pretty romantic, does it? In the end it is more than you think. How couldn´t it be not romantic to open a bottle of wine with your partner after a long working day and have a good conversation? How can it be not romantic to try a new hobby and laugh together? And how can it not be to grow and develop together, so young people will look at you in 40-50 years admiringly and say “they´re a couple for so long and still so cute together?”


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“Love is most powerful emotion and the strongest feeling a human being can feel.“

In fact, this sentence which already a lot of philosophers wrote poems about or a lot of musicians sing wonderful songs with deep going lyrics about, is also proven by a lot of actions in reality, in a positive as well as in a negative manner. Sadly the media seems to tell more and more often the stories of jealous men for example that killed their girlfriends because she fell out of love. On the other hand love is able to cross any bridges and distances, thinking of the couples that found there partner in a totally different kind of the world including a different culture and maybe also religion. Nevertheless a lot of these couples find a solution to combine their very different kind of lifestyles because the love for each other is stronger than any space; spoken physically and emotionally.

But what is love? What is this big emotion that seems to get best as well as the worst out of people?  Is it this huge unknown of the universe? Or is it, like the neuroscience tells a simple hormone reaction? I´m not sure about it myself and so writing this is also for a trip on a road that I don´t know where it will lead me.

An inevitable matter of fact is that we choose our partners subconscious by anthropologic parameters. It is indisputable that if we meet someone for the first time our immune system checks out by getting subconscious the pheromones of our opposite, if (s)he´d might be the right one to have children with. It´s an evolutionary process we can´t control. If this matches (and some other parameters) our brain starts to produce more happy hormones like Dopamin, testosterone (for men), Oxytocin (mostly women) but also the stress hormone Cortisol – that just by the way – to increase the feeling to be in love or commonly described as the typical “butterflies”.

So if love is measurable by parameters, is it in the end as logical as 2 + 2 = 4?

According to what we learned above your answer is may yes now but on the other hand there are some irrational tests that prove how partners can be “connected” with each other, even about distances, which just isn´t explainable with hormones. Remember the often heard story about women that felt that there partner or another beloved family member was having an accident somewhere.  They instinctively felt that something was wrong or even woke up at night knowing that something happened. Another interesting test that took place at a university in Australia consisted couples that where placed with a test at different corners of a room without any eye or body contact. Anyway there heartbeats and breath frequency resembled to each other (mostly the women resembled to the men). It seemed like there were feeling their partners which can´t be explained with any common “love hormone” yet.

Also remember that love can grow during the time. What may have begun as a flirt some years back can become a serious relationship or even marriage through the years.  When the first “blind sight” is gone, couples mostly describe their relationship as even more conversant.

“Love can´t exist without trust, respect, interest in each other and communication”

This is a fact that psychologists as well as the majority of us agree on and is also officially known as the four basic pillars.

So what is love in the end?  Is it the anthropologic process that wins the race? Or is it the psychological aspect because we´ve already learned from life that there´s no harvest without care and work. Or maybe all those theories are wrong and it´s just that great feeling that can be hardly described in words because beside all the science there´s still some magic in this world.

I can´t give you the final conclusion. Personally I think it´s a healthy mix of all of those elements because look around you. Life isn´t just black in white in general, it´s the mixing colors we enjoy. Why should it be any different with one of the most beautiful things on earth?


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Do you remember your childhood when your parents were your biggest role models? Your Dad maybe was like Superman, caring about the family, taking all those complicated decisions, while your Mom was Wonderwoman, that eased all your pain and sorrows. If you had a good childhood, you didn´t have a doubt in your parents, no matter which decision they took, you somehow knew that it was always right for you.

As you grow older, this picture probably started to change. You developed your own opinion on things that not always agreed with your parents. Also you made own experiences and learned to understand that daily business isn´t that easy for Mom and Dad as well as it seemed sometime earlier. The image of the superheroes cracked and evolutionally it´s a normal, good and necessary thing. It means that children start to build an own character, are able to take own choices – no matter if they´re wrong or right.

By that time a lot of us start to find new role models and idols. It maybe is the older brother / sister or even a celebrity. Either way it´s someone who is strong and going his or her own way in our eyes. The funny thing about it is that we want to be like them as we wanted to be like our parents in our childhood. Remember all those “family” games you played with your friends, where you were the Mom or Dad. I guess nearly every one of us did. Later you preferred more to be like your older sibling or the already mentioned star. You maybe dreamed about being gifted with a singing or acting talent, being successful and independent or just about having a driving license and to be allowed to come and go whenever you want.

As we reach the adulthood ourselves a lot of people mostly loose those thoughts about idols and role models, because we somehow made it to go our own way but subconsciously there´s still someone like that for sure. Maybe it´s your parents again that still live in a happy marriage or have a save retirement after long years of work. Maybe it´s your Mom that raised you well all alone. Maybe it´s a friend that got up onto her feet again after a bad divorce or a neighbour that found a good job after years of searching. Maybe it´s also a celeb again that won the battle against a disease you also are / were affected with and encourages people not to give up now. Whoever it is, I think it´s important to have those role models and idols at any point of your life. They can encourage us to get to new levels where the road all alone would be a hard one. They can motivate us to try something new and experience things we wouldn´t dare without a little push. Maybe they can also give us the strength to take action when it´s necessary.

So, no matter how old you are or who your idol is, be thankful for them because they can give you the strength to go on in difficult situations and develop yourself where you might thought that you´re stuck at a certain point.

When love picked you up, carried you through the storm

It´s in that very moment when a hero is born

(Steve Holy)

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