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I´d like to wish a happy new year to everyone. I hope it only holds the best for you. Personally, 2017 was a very mixed up year, running and lows and highs again. I haven´t been able to do everything I´d like to have done or sometimes in another form but that´s okay. Therefore there have been other amazing and surprising moments that taught me to not dwell on what you´ve missed but to be happy about each given chance. I let go of some bonds with people and therefore gained some new that I am really thankful for. Now I´m ready for another crazy year in 2018 – hopefully with a lot of amazing and memorable moments.

I think that sometimes life is testing us by not giving us what we want or desire to show that we still can be happy anyway or find back our happiness in other pretty soon. I guess this is a process in which we grow in a personal way. Life is all about growing, evolving and creating ourselves new. Without the bad, we sooner or later wouldn´t appreciate the good anymore and sometimes those good things come in the most unexpected moment and way to bring you a totally new kind of happiness. So don´t lose patience if something isn´t turning out the way you hoped for (even though you might be sad at this moment). Have faith in life anyway and stay open minded. I am sure it´s all that it takes to attract other good things, opportunities and experiences.

Also 2017 has been a year of challenges. I had to face more than one fear, not only chosen ones but in the end I can confirm the old saying that fears disappear as soon as you run to it is true. Because of that I chose “do what you fear and fear disappears” as a new year resolution. This is also a part of “working on dreams to live dreams” I chose for the past years somehow. In the end its all growing together. 🙂 This is a huge step to me since I think that I can finally can say that I left my anxiety / panic attacks behind after years! Now I am eager to deal with the fears that make me feel uncomfortable to hopefully leave them behind as well.

Have a save, happy and healthy 2018.

Best wishes to everyone who reads this.

the other side

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Hey guys,

tomorrow is a huge day for me. I will start at a new company, which is really a huge step. I tried to get into this direction for a long time and now it finally happened. Let´s say I am bit nervous that it will turn out good and I can make it through the testing time. Please cross your fingers, it would mean a lot!

If you read my previous blog entries you know that I encored my new year resolution of 2015 “to work on- and live dreams.” The new work is definitely a part of the first part. In contrast to 2015 this year will be pretty rough water for me. I need to face some challenges, the year didn´t start good due to sickness of a close family member. No one knows how it will turn out yet. Honestly, I felt stressed an over challenged with the situation but I refuse to over think what´s to come because it won´t help and so I try to remain positive.

On the other hand there are also some good things coming up in April that I am really looking forward to!

All in all I don´t know where this year´s journey is going to take me. There will be a lot of ups and downs for sure, a lot to learn, a lot to be proud (hopefully) of and a lot of new memories. I will keep you updated and you know, if you have a moment to cross your fingers tomorrow… 😉

change

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Hey everyone,

I already excuse myself for the longer post and also that it will be a pretty serious one but the topic just IS serious. Lately I saw something about cyber bullying on TV and what I saw truly shocked me to the deepest. I want to share something personal with you that barely anyone knows about me in real life. Back in school time I had been bullied for about 6 years myself. They attacked me physically, they called me names like Zombie, threw things at me… the whole list of what you can imagine but it wasn´t even the worst. Even if I was scared of the physical attacks, what hurt me more over the years was the psychological effect they had on me. By excluding me from group activities they made me feel unwanted, by calling me those rude names and ugly they destroyed my self-esteem step by step a bit more. For those of who haven´t been bullied you might ask, why did you believe it? Well, in the beginning you may don´t but if you get influenced that way over years, you slowly start to believe. Someday you believe that you aren´t pretty or good enough, that no one wants to be your friend and you´re unwanted in general. Thankfully I reached a point after 4 ½ years where I started to turn the “game” a bit around. I blocked physical attacks (never hitting someone seriously back) and acted like I´d laugh about the things they called me. For some reason it started to work. It never really ended but it became a bit better and so survived the rest of my school time. What didn´t end for years, even after school was the destroyed self-esteem. Meeting new people stressed me out. What would think of me? Would they like or hate me? In the end I barely talked to anyone until I started to feel comfortable when I knew persons better. When a boy hit me up for a conversation, I literally looked at him “like a car”, if he was serious about talking to me. Or was he making fun of me as well? It was a natural skeptic thought I wasn´t able to control. The negative feelings about myself I got implemented over years hadn´t gone by leaving school (with degree).

Why do I tell all that here and now? Because I think in the time of cyber-bullying things even got worse. When I got home from school the bully time for me was done that day. Nowadays it sadly doesn´t stop at your door. In the time of constant internet connection, chats, Twitter, Facebook and many more platforms people can go on to attack the victim. They exclude people from Whatsapp groups, post nasty comments or pictures on their profile wall or send rude direct messages. Teenagers already killed themselves because they got messages like “You´re totally worthless…the world is be better off without you… go and kill yourself, no one will miss you…” These words aren´t fictional, they are real statements that have been shown in the media after another bully victim committed suicide. I truly don´t have a clue how someone is able say afterwards that it was “a joke” and “not serious”. How can a person ever think that statements like this wouldn´t hurt? Have they ever imagined to switch roles and how they would feel? If I already felt the way I described by “just” being attacked in school, I don´t want to know how desperate a person may can become by this over a longer period of time. Whoever experienced or experiences this and keeps going has my full respect!

What I want to say is, if you are a victim of bully, don´t hide yourself! What those people tell you isn´t true, they are the paltry ones! Don´t be afraid to ask for help. You can turn the “game” like they call it, around. Be offensive, go to your guidance counselor or to your parents/siblings if it´s that bad that you think about changing school. Or maybe you can build friendships outside your own class in courses or breaks. If you´re also bullied online, talk to your parents, block those people! Report the accounts! You can do something about it and most important: Don´t believe them! Don´t let narrow minded people destroy your inner peace and self-esteem.

A little note at the end. In between my school time is over for 16 unbelievable years already. I have friends – real friends, I can count and relate on. I have a job with no bullies! 😉 Sometimes I still feel a bit insecure about myself, I don´t want to hide it away but it becomes better more and more. Also I´m still pretty quiet in the beginning when I meet new people but it doesn´t stress me out anymore. Persons who know me better always say: “First I thought that you would be a pretty quiet / shy person but you´re so not!” (Never judge a book by its cover) ;). In the end I can even find something positive in being a bully victim: I´ve learned to trust my gut feelings about people if they´re true or not. If you´re in the caught in the situation by now you may think “however can I find something positive about it?” Trust into your “inner voice” and you learn to get to know yourself better than most others. I can´t describe it any better. It´s a tough road to free yourself from all this but in the end it is worth it!

Even if I don´t consider myself as a Fan of Christina Aguilera, she has the perfect words for the things I can´t find own words for, so here to all those bullies out there:

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
‘Cause you made that me that much stronger
(Fighter)

Well I know what you were thinking
You thought you’d watch me fade away
When you broke me into pieces
But I gave each piece a name
One of me is wiser
One of me is stronger
One of me is a fighter
And there’s a thousand faces of me
And we’re gonna rise up
And we’re gonna rise up
For every time you broke me
Well you’re gonna face an army
Army of me
(Army of me)

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Just a short note that´s on my mind, while I listen to music:

Acoustic versions are my farourite. For me it shows not just the real talent of the artist, it also reflects the soul of the song. It´s the purest form of performing and you can clearly see the meaning to the artist and what he / she wants to express with it. I´d wish there would be an acoustic set at every concert.

What do you think about it?

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Hey everyone,

I know it´s ages since my last blog. Anyway I want to give you a little Résumé about 2014 and take you with me onto the journey of 2015.

2014 had been the year of surprises, good as bad ones but the good ones definitely win! Dreams came true and also I started some new projects I never thought I would be good enough it. Guess what? I like the results! The past year started pretty shitty to be honest, with a lot of health problems for me and also my Mom. After I got diagnosed intolerant to fructose in 2013, problems got worse again so I had to repeat several tests until it showed up that there now is also a problem with histamine. Jeez, doing groceries wasn´t fun the first weeks, I tell you but in the end I finally felt better and in between little sins are even possible! It´s not that bad you might think at the first moment (I confess, I was in tears). If you need any help about the topic, just feel free to write me. J

Nevertheless, as I said the year also brought some good times and surprises. I fulfilled my dream to explore Rotterdam, against all health odds and totally loved it there! If you haven´t visited the city yet, just go, it´s so worth it – and not that expensive like many other big cities.

Then of course the most unexpected dream happened. I had the chance to spend pretty much and personal time with my idol. I don´t exaggerate when I say that I don´t know where I would be without her now and I don´t even want to know! She always gave and gives me the strength by being a fighter and life lover herself to get through anything (and yes, she knows in between). Well, anyway, there had been several personal moments with a few other fans, since she was stationed in Germany for some time. I finally was able to give her a birthday cake after wishing for that for about 6 years. Her intuitive happy scream reaction when she saw it, made me know why I carried the wish for so long. 😀 These times made me the happiest, more than I could ever say.

Also I started a few projects like drawing. What started as a gift for my little great-cousin also brought me some really lovely reactions of other people. I never thought so! Another project that I put my heart into failed a bit due to wrong timing but okay, let´s wait for a better chance! If plan A fails… you know the saying I guess.

Well, those were the most impressive moments of 2014. 2015 will be the year of working and living dreams. That was my new year resolution. There will be some (planned) challenges as well. Will keep you updated! But also good and fun times. 😀 Also I will fulfill another dream to finally go to London. For most people in my area it´s “just London” but for me it´s a huge step to leave my comfort zone with places close to Germany (according to my health issues). But I´m not afraid of it no more, instead I´m just looking forward to have a good time there. Meeting a friend, see new places and meet new people.

If you want to join me at this journey of 2015, you´re welcome. I try to update more regularly again!

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Hey everyone,

I don´t know how far the news went around the world that last week a drag queen one the Eurovision Song Contest. It´s open song contest for whole Europe. To be honest I think that the past years it´s less about the music and more an open ranking of which countries like each other the most by giving the highest points. It´s an open secret so to say. This year it went –in my personal opinion – even a step further. Some of you probably heard on the news that it´s illegal to be homosexual in Russia. It´s not that they “just” become discriminated, no, they even can be sent to jail if they show their love open in public. Personally I think that this is kind of sick. I am heterosexual myself but whoever has the right to tell someone who they are allowed to love or not?

The Russian government explains their decision that it would be against the normal nature and some kind of illness to love the same sex or feel born in the wrong gender. If you followed some biology classes it can be explained why some people feel born in the wrong body, just by the way.

“It´s not about loving a man or a woman, it´s about loving a person.”

I am not sure where I once read this quote but it´s absolutely true. In the end we just don´t fall for someone attractive, there´s way more about it. If we truly love a person, we love them for all that they are, with all their flaws, mistakes, for their big heart, humor, attitude, just everything. That they´re are attractive to us is just some bonus, so does it really matter in the end if you like your own or the opposite sex? I think in the end it´s just the heart that matters.

So I think the current winner of the ESC is more a political statement against the Russian government, to show that Europe stands united against homophobia. I truly hope for all the ones that still have to hide their love, that this little step will sooner or later change their surrounding for the better and that it´s maybe for the whole world a step against homophobia and for love.

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Hey everyone,

I think that it´s time to clean my head from some thoughts again. Lately, when I scroll through the world wide web I have the feeling that people become more and more negative. I don´t know if I am wrong or if people just use their social networks more to live their negative side. However, it kind of worries me to see the development. It´s pretty scary when 85 % of the posts I read of certain people and about 50% in general of the posts are no good thoughts, no matter if it´s about past, present of future or in a combination.

Honestly I have to say that I struggle with negative thoughts myself every now and then, lately due to some circumstances more than I should like to admit but reading all the posts and of others makes me realize that I don´t want to be a part of this sadness for good. It makes me realize to want to go back to my more positive self again. It may be won´t happen over night and the road will bring some vehicles for sure but I will try to take it as an experience, as a journey maybe.

The problem about the negativity in my eyes is, that it´s like a good laugh, contagious. I notice a lot of times that friends/lovers or family members are often dragged down by the problems of their loved ones. Instead of lifting them up, they seem to be dragged to the bad mood / worries, etc. pretty soon themselves and can´t stand it no more, which affects the original person again as well. It´s a circle that´s hard to break and I experienced myself. Sometimes an open conversation may can change something about the situation already. Like, what it would need for change and perform those changes. In harder cases there´s perhaps needed some professional help, which is no shame at all! Admitting to need help is strength, no weakness!

In the end we´re all what we think we are. Our way of thinking influences our lives. Scientific studies prove that persons with a positive attitude take life easier, not because there are less bad things happening to them but because they rate it differently. (As a lesson or as a personal development for example). They´re just happier in general and let´s be honest, being with a positive person makes us smile automatically ourselves, isn´t it? We´re in charge of our own thoughts and how we rate things. It´s not about that we need to stand strong all the time, that´s impossible. Sometimes also the most positive person need some help but it all comes down to find your own happiness back when it was lost through the dark times.

If you don´t know how to start, begin with the little things and count what you´re thankful for. Maybe it´s your friends, maybe it´s a vacation you´re looking forward, maybe a concert you go to. Or let´s take the elementary things like health, a lazy sunday you can spend like you want to, something you recently bought, the upcoming spring… It´s the little things summarized can become the big once – if you give them a chance! 🙂

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